Untrustworthy Friends: Stork & Curly's Two Cents
/Dear Stork & Curly,
There's a woman in my mutual friends circle I'm having a concern about. She's an amazing mother, wife, and friend. She's bright, interesting, funny, and enjoyable to be around. With one flaw. She talks badly to each of us individually about other mutual friends. Now, to my knowledge, she's never talked badly about me. But she has, on many occasions talked badly to me about other women I know whom I like very much. This makes me uncomfortable, yet, for fear she'll turn it on me to other people, I haven't said anything. I admit to "talking on egg shells" around her and minding my "p's and q’s” which you may think isn't real friendship. Which it probably isn't. And yet, I enjoy her.
Recently, I asked her if her husband could put in a good word for me with a company I was applying for a job with. Her husband works there and is rather influential. She enthusiastically agreed and indicated her husband was "on it." Since then, a job opportunity has presented itself that I'm very interested in and am in salary negotiations for. My gossipy girlfriend's husband's company has not yet called me for an interview. Most likely, I'll be accepting the position I really want. My fear is, when I tell her that I've accepted another position, she'll be irritated I'd asked her husband for help, and talk badly about me and the situation to our other mutual friends. Why does this bother me? Who in the heck knows!
So… what's a gal to do? A conundrum... Help??
Thanks…
SB Pet
Dear SB Pet,
Thanks for this great question. It struck a chord with me, as I imagine it would for many others.
Ok, here are my two cents. It seems to me that you’re really asking two questions - one, how to handle your fear of your friend’s bad mouthing, and, two, how to handle the friendship itself.
For the first question, I think that fear is rearing its all-too familiar head when it comes to your interactions with your friend. You’re afraid of the backlash and retaliation you may experience if you upset her. This is totally understandable, and I think everyone has experienced this in one form or the other.
One of my experiences that come to mind, was when a college roommate left her diary open in our dorm room with a long entry in it describing what she didn’t like about me, and in very large letters, scrawled the word “BITCH”. I actually thought we were good friends, but this took a turn when during a group outing, a fellow we met in a bar asked me out on a date. As she detailed in her diary, I should have let her have the date because they had more in common (He was British and she loved Tony Blair). What followed was whispering, smirks and avoidance all semester, which wounded and surprised my naive 19-year-old self. As a person who grew up homeschooled and isolated, I had an intense desired to fit in, be liked, and to be accepted as the oddball often described as “Amish” that I was. This desire has decreased as I’ve grown comfortable in my own skin, but that darned ego crops up everyday and I worry about what others think too. I also worry that I’ll be misunderstood, which is another tricky thing our egos do - we’re convinced that we’re different, and the me against them insecurity dives in and takes hold. I’m not sure that anyone will every truly let go of caring what others think, but knowing that this is a habit can really help us let go and be ourselves. My humble advice to you is to let go of this fear. Be yourself, and know that there is an even stronger fear driving your friend’s need to speak badly about others. And, if I may say, this also includes telling her that you’ve found another position. Know that you’re doing right whether she likes it or not. Your actions are enough proof of your integrity for the rest of the circle.
This brings up your second question - what to do with the friendship itself. It would be uncomfortable for me too. No one should have to be inauthentic in a relationship, even though we all battle seeking acceptance and love from others. I think it is in our nature to try to become what we think others want us to be. The problem with this is that it is not honest - not to us, nor to the friend. It creates a facade. The relationship is fake. This certainly isn’t your fault, and I catch myself adapting to others in order to be liked too, but it is a disservice to all involved. One quote that has been a helpful reminder for me is, “What others think of you is none of your business.” So, be the person you want to be in this relationship. If hearing her speaking poorly about others makes you uncomfortable, make it known. Or if that’s too direct, redirect the conversation. Another way to steer things, is to give no feedback. I do believe that with these efforts, she won’t receive what she needs from you - which is validating her habit - and she’ll stop. I’m not a person who believes in cutting off relationships, unless absolutely necessary. Sure, there are rare circumstances where I have, and I do think is necessary, but in this case, I think you can set the tone to the relationship with her that you would like. You might just be surprised, and maybe it’ll encourage her to drop this unpleasant habit. I think compassion is a powerful antidote to fear, and I have no doubt that she’s a good person as you describe. Maybe this will be the nudge she needs.
And, as an aside, if for some reason she does talk badly about you, or she decides to end the relationship, please know that you did the right thing in being authentically you. Life really is too short to be anything else.
I, for one, think you’re fantastic!
Stork
Dear SB Pet,
Wow, this is a bit of a doozy but I think a relatable problem. We’ve all had “friendships” like this and they can feel awkward and uncomfortable.
I’m kind of honing in on “Why does this bother me?” The honest answer is, many of us care deeply how people perceive us. I know I care way too much about what people think of me. I thought this would go away after junior high, high school, and even college. But no, it’s still very present for me as an adult. And it sucks!
There are a couple of pieces that need addressing here. We’ve got the awkwardness of a gossipy “friend” and how to just deal with her role in your life and we’ve got the job piece. By the way, congratulations on the job offer! And congratulations on actually asking this woman for help even though it didn’t pan out. Asking for help can make us feel vulnerable and exposed so, good work! You’ve done what you can to take care of yourself and, ultimately, that’s the best thing you can do for yourself.
Now, as far as the job piece, I would tell her that you’ve been exploring a few options and that her husband’s company was one of them. You can thank her for putting in a good word for you but you’ve found something that is a good fit. And, quite honestly, if she has a problem with that, then, well, she just does! But it’s not your problem. If she is a true friend, she’ll be happy for you.
Okay, now to the gossipy piece. Look, we’ve all talked shit about people, right? But it’s clearly making you uncomfortable hearing her talk about the other women in your group. So, here are the choices.
You continue letting her spout her bullshit and not respond or engage.
You decide that you’ve had enough and confront her about it. When I use the word “confront” it doesn’t have to be, “Look, you’re a total bitch and you need to grow the fuck up!” It can be put to her nicely. Something like, “I really enjoy talking with you but it feels kind of bad when you talk about people who we hang out with.” Often people gossip about other people because they’re insanely insecure and need to feel validated in some way. So, possibly finding some empathy for her, although that may be challenging.
If all else fails, discontinue the relationship. This too may be tricky since it sounds like she’s in your circle and seeing her may be unavoidable.
What’s really coming through to me is that you’re a good-hearted person who wants the best for everyone, including yourself. The best advice I was ever given came from my mom…trust your gut. I hope this helps! Keep us posted!
Love,
Curly
