Rude Customers: Stork & Curly's Two Cents
/We wanted to bring together storytelling in as many forms as possible, creating a community feeling of support much like the days of yore when you could speak and be heard around a crackly fire, as well as ask advice of a nearby friend or elder when you met at the local watering hole. The Missing Peace hopes to inspire active storytelling for all.
Read below for one reader's question and two pieces of advice from us, Stork & Curly. To send in your own (anonymous) questions for our unique perspectives, see our submission form on our advice column page by clicking here.
Dear Stork & Curly,
I work in a customer service job where I consistently interact with the public, and am tired of being asked rude questions about my appearance (my tattoos, hair color, etc). Examples of these rude questions are; Why is your hair like that? Do you have anything else pierced? Do the curtains match the drapes? What are the meanings of your tattoos?
Any advice on how can I politely do the following:
a) call them on their rude behavior (without creating conflict), b) in very few words, help bring awareness that their questions are othering, and c) maintain personal boundaries while navigating a tricky social situation.
Any feedback is much appreciated! :)
Tattooed & Tormented
Dear Tattooed & Tormented,
Although I only have one tattoo that isn’t visible to the world unless I’m naked, I can relate to what you’re going through. Growing up looking…well…different from others has had its challenges. I was often bombarded in malls or walking down the streets in Palos Verdes Estates where it was, shall we say, very blond (no offense to Stork), which invited complete strangers to ask me things like, “What nationality are you? You look Israeli or something. Where are you from? Are you an Eskimo?”
I also spent years working at customer service jobs and I truly feel your frustration of having to answer stupid and ignorant questions. I actually thought about hanging a neon sign above my desk that answered frequently asked questions so I wouldn’t be bothered and could do my job more efficiently.
Which leads me to some possible solutions. What about a little sign on your desk? Like…Yes, I have tattoos and they mean a lot to me, and they’re personal and private. Or, I like to change my hair color periodically…just because. Or, you could have your answers on little cards and just hand them to people. And if you’re looking to just not talk about your appearance at all because, quite honestly, it’s none of their fucking business, just laugh their questions off and don’t answer. Maybe they’ll get the hint. I’ll admit, it’s difficult coming up with a reaction that isn’t offensive so maybe one of those signs they post in massage places like, Quiet Please, Work in Session would work. As you can see, I’m big on signs. They can speak volumes when you don’t feel like talking.
Good luck and let me know how it goes!
Love,
Curly
Dear Tattooed & Tormented,
First, thank you for this brilliant question. I think there are many who would like to know how to handle this difficult situation. I have been in a similar place myself, although for different reasons (As the sole non-Japanese person in a small farming village in remote Japan, I was seen as something closer to an alien than a human being during my years there, and I endured many shocking questions. A majority came from my co-workers, so they seemed even more invasive. To list a few, I was frequently asked, "Do the curtains match the carpet? Is your (pubic) hair curly? How many men have you been with? Do you sleep with your shoes on?").
While the customers' questions you list may feel othering, rude, prying, invasive or downright dirty, I would suggest that you first interpret some of them to be thoughtless or genuinely curious upon further examination. Digging deep, I believe that our go-to view as generally ego-driven beings is to feel different and separate from others. I know, because I struggle with this too! But, my perspective is that immediately assuming the negative is damaging and hurts humanity as a whole.
Also, tattoos and such are a wild card in some respects. Not everyone in the U.S. is familiar with alternative body modifications. While I think there may be judgment coming from some customers, others may be merely curious. As you know, tattoos and such are a choice, and not a biological physical trait like birth marks, birth defects, variations in height, weight, etc., etc.. The latter of these things is understood to be rude to comment on or ask about. Body modification, however, is an etiquette "gray area" that is unfortunately often considered open to questions, much more like a scarf you are wearing rather than a missing limb. Given that the average American views something like a tattoo as a statement or a message or even taboo, they are often thought of as conversation starters. So, while I'm sure that some of the questions come from a negative place, I do believe others may stem from innocent interest. I think this is especially so given there is often a generation gap between those who do and those who don't - i.e., parents versus their children. And you just may be the safest person they can ask questions of in order to understand this newer generation better. This doesn't, of course, make being rude to you okay, but if it feels right, you may just have a unique opportunity to connect and educate.
So, what are some good responses, which would protect you at your workplace, inform your customers, and allow you to keep your job (without screaming and chucking merchandise at said rude peeps)? Here are some suggestions, depending on the question and tone:
"Why would you like to know? Why do you ask?"
"My appearance is personal and private. I wouldn't ask you why your hair is gray or why you wear your pants at your waist or why you style your hair as you do <insert any standard personal appearance choices here>."
"I was taught that it is rude to inquire about someone else's physical appearance."
"I take my work seriously, and I understand that it is unprofessional to discuss personal matters at the workplace."
Here's to more understanding!
Stork
