Fickle Friends: Stork & Curly's Two Cents
/Dear Stork & Curly,
A friend of mine whom I really like is troubling me. We’ve been friends for some years now, and we’re pretty close. We have a fair bit in common, the most notable being that we’ve both lived abroad in a number of different countries, which stands out where we live now. She is vivacious, fun-loving, and a good person. The only problem is, she seems to drop long-time friends for no reason. These are close relationships too — one woman she even went to Europe with, which I see as really “breaking bread” with someone. Since I’ve known her, she has suddenly axed three relationships. She’ll be close with someone, and then all of a sudden, she doesn’t speak with them anymore. It appears that she’s dropped these friendships out of jealousy, but I’m not sure. She would comment to me about these friends’ appearances, and say that her husband really liked women who “looked like that.” She’s also told me that her husband likes certain qualities that I have, yet I’m no flirt, and my husband and I think that my friend and her husband are “thick as thieves,” so maybe jealousy isn’t really it. Whatever it is, it seems her reasons are petty, and I just don’t understand why she has cut her friends off. I can’t help but wonder when I’ll be next. Should I tell her my concerns directly? If not, how much do I invest in the relationship knowing it could end suddenly?
Frugally Fashionable
Dear Frugally Fashionable,
This is quite a conundrum, but one I think everyone relates to, whether young or mature, man or woman. I can see that you care deeply for your friend, and she has great qualities. But, we all worry about getting burned. What you know is that she can go from a wonderful buddy to ending relationships at the drop of a hat. And I do think your intuition is right. It does sound like your friend’s husband is making her uncomfortable with his objectifying comments, and she is likely doing what many do — removing the “eye-candy” instead of addressing the real issue. In the end, I think her feelings should be more important than what his eyes like. But, that’s for them to work out.
I can think of one friendship in particular that made me balk in a similar way. I met her through a group of friends who all had a mutual love of fun, adventure and travel. It turns out that she had a crush on the same guy that I liked. The two of them had a brief rendezvous, of which I was completely unaware of, and then I subsequently entered the picture. Although he and I were off to a slow start, she immediately sensed our attraction to each other, and was threatened. In a dark street between bars one night, she told me she would “take me down.” She was aggressive and confrontational a few times after that. In the end, though a bit scared, I remained friendly from a distance. Months passed, and her crush became my boyfriend, and the group of us went on holiday together. During that trip, he dumped me. Who was there to hold me while I cried? She was. The rest was history — we became really close friends and she never violated my trust again.
So, my advice would be, put your heart on the line. It’s worth it. You may be burned, but that’s better than living in fear. In doing so, you allow life to give you all it’s got. You get the really good, juicy, wonderful stuff, and you also get the stuff that may hurt, but is still only good in the end. Whether the painful experiences teach you something you need to learn, or you are just sending good karma out into the world, I do believe in loving with cautious abandon. Based on the fact that you’re afraid your friend might suddenly end the relationship, it sounds to me that you care about her a great deal. All the more reason to give it your all. I think being reserved or putting up a wall hurts us the most. There is so much we miss in doing that. If you pull back now, you’ll miss out on all the good stuff the relationship has to offer for however long it is meant to last, all the amazing times with your friend, all the people and new friendships you might make in knowing her, all the love you’ll give each other in the meantime. I think the risk of losing relationships later — as we all will — is totally worth what we gain in saying “yes” to life now. The truth is a lot of friendships fade away as we move on to different stages of our lives anyway, and then there is the ultimate break-up — when we pass on. In short, nothing really is “for certain” in life, except the moment we have right now. I’d seize that moment up, and embrace the relationship.
All that said, I also think that being direct and communicative is important in any relationship. I think you could handle this in a few different ways, depending on what makes you most comfortable. One way you could approach it is to leave out the three friendships she ended. In this way, you could address just what you need. For example, you could say, “Would you let me know if there is ever anything bothering you in our relationship? I prefer to discuss issues, and come up with solutions together than to wonder what might be wrong. Can we agree on open communication?” Or you could be more direct and say, “Would you mind telling me why you don’t speak with your friends anymore?” You could also address her husband’s insensitive comments. One idea would be to say, “I’ve noticed that your husband makes comments about your friends’ appearances. I hope that doesn’t make you uncomfortable,” and wait for her response. You could also request that her husband not make comments about your appearance anymore. This not only supports your friend, but also gives a clear message to her that you’re not interested in flirting or anything else. Or you could be very heartfelt and tell her exactly what you have seen and feel, much like you did here. I wouldn't back off of the relationship either way. It would be a shame to pull away, only to never know if you yourself put the kibosh on the friendship.
Here’s to living life to the fullest!
Stork
Dear Frugally Fashionable,
What an interesting situation! It sounds to me like this jealousy thing may, in fact, have something to do with this sudden friend dropping. I personally think it's a bit weird that her husband would even make these comments about her friends. I mean, what's up with that? Unless you're someone who's super secure within yourself (if you're out there, I'd love to pick your brain!), then those kinds of comments are bound to eat away at you. I certainly wouldn't like it if my husband made comments about my friends in that way! I mean, why is he doing that???
Sorry, I got stuck in the husband vortex for a second. But, what the hell, man?
You clearly care about this woman and want her to be in your life. I understand the worry you're expressing. So, my advice to you is to try and have a conversation with her about these other women that she dropped so abruptly. Go to her favorite place, get her comfy and cozy, and If she's willing to open up to you about her reasons, perhaps this will give you more insight as to why she did what she did and hopefully put your mind at ease as well. Maybe she needs a good friend to listen to her right now because, honestly, that husband situation...not cool.
Please keep us posted!
Love,
Curly
