My Computer is an Asshole: When a Laptop Hurls me into Utter Darkness

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My Computer is an Asshole: When a Laptop Hurls me into Utter Darkness

My computer is an asshole. And yes, I’m aware that this is a first world problem and that I’m lucky to even have a computer but the thing just pisses me off! I want to love it…I really do. But the level of frustration it causes me sends me into a state that is extremely unhealthy and unattractive. I turn into something else when my computer doesn’t work. It’s an ugly, rage-filled, horrifying monster that consumes every part of me.  My face gets burning hot, I begin to shake, and I’m pretty sure I make some growling and hissing sounds. I’m actually afraid to look at myself in the mirror for fear that I might give myself nightmares.

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Escaping Escapes: How to Cope With Anxiety When You'd Rather Watch Bad TV

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Escaping Escapes: How to Cope With Anxiety When You'd Rather Watch Bad TV

Today one of my students asked me what my biggest fear is. My first thought was, can I only choose one? I mean, there's always been so many fears. From snakes (I just don't like the idea of something moving around without limbs), to outdoor games like Tag and Dodge ball and Red Rover (I mean, don’t people know these games hurt?) to dying a slow and painful death, I have always had a shitload of fears. Here was my response to her.

“In this moment, right now, my biggest fear is failure. In public. Public failure. “

I then went on to say something that I never expected would come out of my mouth.

“I’m a perfectionist. I want to do everything perfectly…without making any mistakes. I know that’s not logical. I know that no one is perfect and that’s just part of being a growing human being but I don’t want to put anything out there to the world that isn’t as close to perfect as possible.”

Wow, where did that come from? It’s amazing how, at 43, you can have these epiphanies about yourself.  And I just had one out loud…in front of a dozen 18 year olds. Yikes!

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