My Computer is an Asshole: When a Laptop Hurls me into Utter Darkness

My computer is an asshole. And yes, I’m aware that this is a first world problem and that I’m lucky to even have a computer but the thing just pisses me off! I want to love it…I really do. But the level of frustration it causes me sends me into a state that is extremely unhealthy and unattractive. I turn into something else when my computer doesn’t work. It’s an ugly, rage-filled, horrifying monster that consumes every part of me.  My face gets burning hot, I begin to shake, and I’m pretty sure I make some growling and hissing sounds. I’m actually afraid to look at myself in the mirror for fear that I might give myself nightmares.

My poor husband. He gets the brunt of it. He tries to help but because I’m rabid and foaming at the mouth, my words and actions spurt out in hurtful ways and, did I mention, it’s unattractive?

My most recent jaunt into the asshole that is my laptop occurred when I attempted to download my new weight management hypnosis MP3s into my iTunes. Although I could hear them, iTunes just absolutely refused to accept them into its library. WTF?

After two hours in full on monster mode, I thought, “Let’s take a little break and work on an agenda for class. You know, switch up the energy here.” So, I hit print upon completion, and my printer icon begins to bounce up and down flashing an exclamation point. “You mother fucker. You’re not doing this to me right now.” So I go to my printer status and it says that the computer can't find the printer. Like the printer is somehow lost or something. So, I say out loud, “Oh, you mean the printer that’s plugged into everything correctly? The printer that just worked a week ago? The printer that’s sitting right next to you? That’s the printer you can’t find? You asshole?”

“Run a disk utility.” This is my husband’s suggestion and it’s a good one. It usually helps. So, I run it and I restart my computer and now it no longer recognizes my password. The password that I’ve been using for the last five years. The password that I’ve never once changed. And the question it’s asking me to give as a hint is, “Best Trip Ever”. Now, I know this isn’t the question I selected. I always select “Favorite Pet”. But I go with it. And I enter every fucking trip I’ve ever been on and none of them work. So now, not only can I not print, or listen to my hypnosis sessions, but I can’t even get into the fucking thing.

 “Goddddd! I hate this!” My husband comes into the room. “What’s happening?” He asks. “I can’t do this! I’m so sick of this! What the fuck? It’s just…not…I can’t! I mean…I’m done. Seriously, I’m done.”

So I move onto my other devices. Again, first world problem considering I have an iPad, an iPhone, and a school latptop. I just need something technological to work before I have a full on tantrum.  

Five hours of solitaire later, I emerge feeling whole and nurtured. I no longer need an exorcism.

It’s been two weeks since my laptop and I have interacted with one another. It’s been a nice break. We needed to be separated for a while. Perhaps a little time out for the two of us.

I really hate having to rely on devices. I mean, there was a time when they never even existed. When you didn’t need a password to write down your thoughts. When listening to music was a physical act…taking out a record album and setting the needle down to play your favorite song. And I hate that I’m now sounding like I’m 87 years old and launching into a “Remember when?” lecture. But I do miss the good ole days. The simpler days when you always had access to all of your own information and could control your life. Now it’s all about “backing up” because god forbid, you might lose everything you’ve ever created on your computer. It’s hilarious to me that technology is supposed to make our lives easier but, in turn, I become the monster. I don’t want to become the monster and I know my husband doesn’t want me to become the monster. So I guess it’s time for a little trip to the mac help center. I’m officially giving up. And when I’m hopefully able to be accepted back into my laptop, I don’t want to fight with it. I don’t want to have to call it an asshole.